How do I stop feeling?

There are some things that I don’t understand….Well a lot that I don’t understand. But most of all I don’t understand my own mind at times. Why do I think about some of the things I do? Why do I dream about people I haven’t talked to in forever? Or people that I talk to almost daily but I dream of them in a different way than our actual relationship is in real life? I’ve heard all sorts of explanations on why we dream about certain things. But none of it ever makes sense… We dream about things and people we can’t have. We dream of things we secretly want. We dream of things that will never happen in real life. We dream of things that have happened in a past life. Some of it makes sense but not all of it. I’m at a loss.

Some mornings I wake up and I feel confused because of my dreams. Who was that person? I’ve never seen him before… Other times I wake up and I understand what happened. Well that makes sense now, I get it… But most of the time I wake up and I feel empty. I feel lost, incomplete. Those days I know why I feel that way, or at least what or who it is in connection with. I’ve had enough dreams in the last few months that have all been connected with one person and one ultimate overwhelming feeling of sadness to know that there is something wrong here. But I don’t know how to fix it or who to talk to about it. I don’t have very many friends and one of those few friends happens to be the person at the center of my despair.

So I’m torn. What can I do? At times I feel like I should say something to this person…Maybe talk it out with them but then I realize that may be an unwanted conversation for them. I mean, how would you feel if someone you consider to be a very good friend comes up to you one day and says they have been dreaming about you and think the reason might be answered in the definition of your friendship? That seems like a loaded conversation.  One that most people, I think, would not be prepared to have at anytime really. But I feel like this person is the only one that I CAN talk to about it. Why do I feel like this? Why??

I’ve known this person for years now and there has been a lot that has gone one between us over those years. They have been with me through out all my hard times, been there to tell me the truth when I really needed it even if I didn’t want it. They have comforted me, made me laugh, made me think, really changed my life. There has only been one time where we have fought, over what it was I’m not too sure, I think it had something to do with keeping my word on an agreement we had. They have never made me cry, never hurt me in the ways that others have. And I do feel a strong emotion towards them but have a hard time admitting it to them. But I can tell them all sorts of other things. I can’t lie to them when asked something or when talking about anything at all. And there have been times when they can just tell my a simple text that there is something wrong with me. How? I have no idea. I used to think we were connected on a level like no other but lately I don’t think that is true anymore.

Things in our lives have changed. We have people in them that we haven’t had before, people that have come into our lives over the past few years and have added to our everyday lives that makes there be less time for the two of us. We are still good friends, but there used to be an aspect of our lives that we shared together that we no longer do. That, I feel, is mostly my fault. I had a chance to choose where my life was going to go. I had a chance to change my life forever, and I chose to stay on the same track I was on. That sealed our fate but it didn’t stop the emotions and I wish so badly that it did.

Some days I hate that I wake up missing this person. Some days I hate that all I want to do is talk to this person, go see them, just be in the same place as them. Some days I hate that I chose the path I did. I hate that I may have hurt them in a way that wasn’t clear to me at the time but is clear now. They said that it didn’t hurt, but I think they don’t want to hurt me by telling me the truth. I think they don’t want to show emotion like that towards me, they have guarded their feelings because of what I did. Things have never been the same since then. And I don’t know if it ever will.

I used to day dream about this person. Things that I wanted to happen, things that had happened. But I knew that my fantasies where just that, fantasies. Until one day, part of them weren’t. And for the first time in a long time I was happy. I didn’t have much to my name, but I had this person and that was all that mattered to me. Things were good, really good and I found a way to mess them up. Since then I have dreamed of this person, thought of them a lot. And finally were able to get most of my thoughts and feelings out in the open but I wasn’t able to be with this person. I played most of my feelings off as nothing, like it was something that didn’t matter, didn’t make a difference and in reality it didn’t. There was nothing that either of us could do about what was being felt. Nothing that either of us could say to make things better or to move forward with what ever we may have really wanted. It was my choice. Their choice. Our choice. So why do I feel so empty inside unless speaking to this person?

I know that I don’t hid my emotions very well. I know that I can’t refrain from smiling every time I get a text or message from this person. People can tell when I’m happy and when I’m not. Some times they know that this person is the reason why I’m happy. But they don’t now that this person is also the reason why I’m sad sometimes. This person doesn’t even know that they make me sad. Most of the time it’s because I think of the past or what could have been. Other times it’s because of these dreams I have. But most of the time it’s because we don’t talk as much as we used to, as much as I want to. And lately that communication has changed for one reason or another and when asked about it they gave me a very vague, generic excuse. But I have my own thoughts on why that changed and I’m hoping that I’m wrong.

I don’t know about how my friendship, past and present, has effected the relationships this person has had. I know that our friendship has always been questioned by my other half. And I try to be as truthful and honest as possible. But the things that go through my head, how do I explain those without hurting him? I can’t…so I don’t. I know keeping secrets aren’t good for any type of relationship. I know that I need to get these things out in the open but I’m scared to say anything to anyone. I don’t want to be judged. I know that what I’m feeling, what I’m dreaming about isn’t right in the dynamics of a relationship. In some ways, people may say that I’m cheating because my heart and my mind wonder. But I try my hardest to not let that happen. Can’t really control my dreams. And my thoughts I can push out of my head and occupy myself with something else. My feelings though, that’s the hardest part. How do I stop feeling?


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