What are you suppose to say to that…?

These last few months have been really trying on my as a person and on my relationship with my other half. After leaving my sister’s house for a nice two bedroom apartment in what appears to be the slightly better part of town we started having problems with our lovely neighbors down stairs. It was a mess! Calls to the office at all hours of the day and night, visits with the leasing staff trying to make plans to move from above them and then finally a call to the police which stopped them all together. All the while me being pregnant, a high risk pregnancy, and not having insurance and fighting with the state to try to get insurance only to be denied because of an error on their part. So finally having to resort to my last option of the Indian Hospital which took me two weeks to even get an appointment for another two weeks out. It was a disaster! My SO and I even started fighting because of the increased stress that had all of a sudden become our normal day to day lives.

About a month ago we moved into a down stairs apartment and things seemed to be calming down. I had been seen at the Indian Hospital and told that things were looking good and had all my appointments scheduled and laid out. There was no more banging from anyone. I even put up pictures and other things on the walls to make it feel more like home. But there was still something going on with my SO. He started to pick fights with me over little things like text messages to a friend of mine. Questioning who I was talking to every time my phone would go off around him. Most of the notifications were from emails. There was even one day when he completely flew off the handle when I said something so innocent. Driving erratically with our children in the car. When I called him out on his response and ridiculous driving all he could do was stay silent. Later on he said he was sorry for jumping to conclusions, for thinking that I am always cheating on him. It’s been 10 years, two, almost three, kids, three states, how long do I have to be here or what do I have to do to make him understand that I’m not going anywhere…..

 But here I am now, faced with a very real accusation and very little information to go on and I don’t know if I could stay if it turned out to be true. I mean, we have put up with a lot of crap from each other over the years. There’s been times where we had to take a break from each other. Times when I left before things could get completely out of control. But we always came back to each other. We never stopped loving each other and I believe our beliefs for a family unit helped unite us even more. I always loved that I was his only, one and only, and our kids were the product of our love, half him and half me. We broke the cycle of our parents and had only children with each other. Or so I thought…. Today I was faced with the information of another woman claiming to have his child, wanting child support and looking to serve him. What shocks me the most is that the process server went to my sister’s house where he spoke to my niece about my SO. She called me as soon as she shut the door and told me about this man looking for my SO. She didn’t know much about what was going on so I called my SO before be started work and told him about this man and what had gone on at my sister’s house. At first all he said was ok and we hung up. About 10 minutes later he calls me back and tells me about this woman messaging him on Facebook for the past FEW MONTHS telling him about this child and that there are court dates and is he going to show up this time? He said that was the only thing he could think of for why he would be served.

 I don’t handle things like this well, most of the time I flip out and start yelling and screaming, complete crazy mode. But instead all I said was “Ok, we’ll deal with that if it turns out to be the case and a simple blood test could prove her wrong if that’s the case.” Completely calm, no nerves shaking, or blood pumping a million miles a minute. I don’t think I really understood what he was saying until it was all over. I finished putting my kid’s dresser together and organized their room, then made them dinner and cleaned my kitchen. The whole time thinking about the information that had been dropped on my shoulders and wondering why we keep facing these crazy troubles. Then I realized that I really didn’t know anything about the situation. He never told me her name, exactly how long she’s been trying to contact him, how old the child is or what gender it may be, how he even knows this woman. Nothing. I’m going off of everything he’s telling me but how do I know it’s the truth? Why am I questioning what he’s told me?? What am I going to do if this turns out to be true? Could this have been the real reason for all the impromptu fights? I don’t have any of these answers…and to me that’s worse than knowing the answers no matter how horrible they may be.

 So here I am, with no one to turn to about this that will try to ease my mind and not give me the typical ” You’ll just have to wait and see” response. I’m not even mad, I’m more on the verge of tears. I want to start crying every other minute. But I have two young children and I can’t really do that right now. I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I want to question my SO about his confession of this woman. I want to know more, but I don’t want him to think that I’m accusing him of cheating or lying. What worries me is why he didn’t tell me about it before. Why keep me in the dark? What would he have done if she came to our door with the child. wanting to speak to its father? I would have been heartbroken to be faced with that situation. I’m heartbroken just thinking that I may not be the only one who has bared his children. That was something that I was so proud of. We didn’t have children with anyone else, not that it’s a bad thing. We both have siblings from other parents than our own and the bonds are no different than those of same parent households. But, for me, it was/is something that I pride us on. We fought what was the norm and were trying to give our kids more than what we ever had in many ways.

Now, it’s a waiting game. I don’t know how much I can actually handle; how long I’ll be able to wait till I ask all these questions flying around in my mind. I guess I’ll have to wait and see…wait and see…

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