My Husband’s Other Child

To My Husband’s Other Child,

There is so much I want to tell you. So many things I want to share with you. But I will never have the chance to do so.

When your father and I met, I knew he was the one for me. I knew from the moment I saw him that I wanted to marry him and have his children. I thought he wanted the same but his actions proved otherwise. Though we did still get married, he broke my heart when I learned about you. That was not your fault at all. Nor was it your mother’s. As much as I wanted to blame her for his betrayal I knew how your father was and deep down inside I knew this would eventually happen.

You see, your father and I have had a hard life together. We had your older brother at a young age, in the mists of a very trying time for us. We were on the verge of the end when we found out we would be parents for the first time. We repaired things the best we could but I always had a feeling he was still not faithful to me like I had been to him. He didn’t trust me but had no reason to. I, on the other had, had more reason than I liked. After I left him and took your brother my suspicions were confirmed and I vowed never to go back to him. But my love for him was too strong and when he came back I forgave him. Maybe I was desperate to be a family because just a few months later he was back at it again.

This time I left and filed for custody of your brother and won. That was it, it was over. I had moved on, he had gotten a job driving truck and we found a way to co-parent. But life brought us back together again, this time I wasn’t quick to forgive. He worked hard to gain my trust back and to show me that he was ready to be a family man. I dove in head first and decided that nothing would keep us apart again. That’s when your dad got a job in another state, making good money and wanted us to follow. It would be five months before we got there and in that time you would already be developing in your mommy’s belly.

Once your brother and I got there, your dad tried to tell me about you. I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe it so I didn’t. He didn’t press it at all. I spent the rest of my days pregnant with your sister, not thinking about you or your mom. All the while she knew who I was. She knew I was pregnant, she even helped me at her job! I had no idea till over a year later. You were born in September, just days after my birthday. A month and a half later, your sister was born at the same hospital. Who knows, we could have even stayed in the same room.

Now a family of four, our situation changed and we left to go back to our home state. I still knew nothing about you and your father never said a word. Fast forward to five months after your first birthday. I’m pregnant again, another sister for you, and I get a call from a relative we stayed with once we moved back. They said someone was looking for your father, something to do with court paperwork. I passed on the message to your dad, who was at work at the time, and hung up the phone. Moments later he called me back and told me that your mother could be trying to reach him for child support. My heart turned to stone, heavy in my chest.

I always wanted to be the only person to marry your father and give him children. Now, I was sharing the title of “baby mama” with another woman. I was heart broken. I was mad. I was disgusted. I wanted to cause pain, to hurt someone. But most of all, I was wrecked knowing that me and my children will never meet you. So I had to find out everything I could about you and your mother.

My husband was not very forth coming with information about your mom. But with the little he did tell me I was able to find her. I made myself sick over the next few months trying to find out more about what happened between them. Why no one had just told me to my face, upfront and personal. So many things made sense after knowing you were alive. But still your dad would not answer my questions, all he would tell me was that you were not his child. Pictures beg to differ. When asked why he didn’t tell me about you before he said he was afraid of me leaving and taking the kids. Being with your mom was the biggest mistake of his life. He didn’t want to know for sure if you were really his. That answer didn’t work for me. I wasn’t going to leave him so why couldn’t he tell me the truth about it all? There was only one thing for me to do, ask your mom.

One night, out of despair,  I wrote her a message. I had been looking her up online and found all I could about her. I determined  you were indeed the product of your mother and my husband’s relations but now I needed to know what really happened with them. And that story was probably more heartbreaking than knowing that you existed.

Your mom didn’t know about me until it was too late. Your dad had lied to her as well as me. She thought she had found someone that she could spend the rest of her life with, or at least a nice little chunk. Your dad can be really charming when he wants to be. Once she found out about you, then she found out about me. Your dad basically left her. I won’t forgive him for that. It’s one thing to break my heart but to do it to someone who had no idea of who he really was is just awful. Luckily, she found someone who was just perfect for her. Who was there for her through her pregnancy and when you were born. The man you know as Dad.

Over the next few weeks your mom and I got to know each other and I realized that she was just like me. We were so similar it was insane. We exchanged photos of all the kids and talked about one day meeting each other. But that is all just talk.

In reality, we will never meet. And there is a strong possibility that you will never know that the man you call Dad isn’t your biological father. You could pass for his child. And when he marries your mom, he’ll adopt you and there will never be any question of it.

But every birthday, every christmas, you will have a gift from me. Whether your father knows about it, helps pick it out or not, I want you to have something from us. I will never be able to forget about you. I wish that things had gone differently with us adults. But I want you to know that I love you from afar.

You are not my child, but my husband’s, and the brother to my son and two daughters. If there ever comes a day when your mom tells you our story and you feel the need to reach out, there is always a place for you here. Don’t worry about your father, he’ll come around. But I’m always here if there is ever anything that you need or want.

With all the love I can give,

Your Father’s Wife.