Dear J,

I don’t know where to begin. There could be a million words for me to say what I’m feeling, I just can’t think of any at the moment. There has been so many years since we last saw each other and so many words have past through our lips but none of them come to mind in the right order right now.  It feels like my mind can’t function when I look at you. There are birds and feathers and little fuzzies flying around in front of me and everything fades but your face. It’s like one of those slow motion scenes in a poor budget movie, dramatic lighting, everything in the back falls to black and you keeping walking, unaware of the effects you have on someone’s life. Insert crazy typical 80’s teenage romance movie quote.

Ok, now that that’s over, let’s move on.

Everyone has that one person that they should have stayed and taken a chance on. Or that person that they DID take the chance on and it paid off in the end. Well, you’re my person (not to quote Grey’s Anatomy or anything…). I knew 16 years ago that you were that one person that would go out and change the world as you knew it. I knew from the moment I saw you that there was something special about you. So of course I was nervous when I asked you to be my boyfriend. It was the first time that I had ever done something like that and I thought for sure you’d say no. I didn’t think there was anything special about me except that I could get a long with pretty much anyone. Honestly, you saying yes gave me such a boost in confidence. Then came so much more.

Talk about being young, we were as young as it got. I mean, we were old enough to know things but still young enough to not really care just yet. But I wish I would have stayed. I wish I could have been there to have you in my life as I grew up. Gosh, you were so upbeat. Remember when we would hang out after school till they kicked us off campus? I have no idea what you used to say to make me laugh so hard but you had me rolling. I don’t think any one has ever made me laugh so much in my entire life.

Growing up I thought about you from time to time. More or less when I had some real down time and started reflecting on my life. I seem to do that more and more nowadays. For whatever reason you have been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I thought that maybe if I reached out to you that it would ease the weight a little. I couldn’t find you at first so I reached out to a mutual friend. They gave me some piece of mind for a little while and there you were again. This time it was heavier than before. So I looked you up on other things and found a page you use. And then I got stuck. I didn’t know what to do.

Normally I would send a message right away to get it all over with. But I couldn’t do that this time. There was something different, but I don’t know what. It was completely platonic, harmless, nothing that could be taken in a wrong way. So why did I feel like it wasn’t the right thing to do? Like I was going to get in trouble, or get you in trouble? I don’t get it. I guess I felt like it might be a waste of time. What could either of us offer the other? Our lives are so different, almost polar opposite.

I guess I answered my own question. As much as I would love to have your ray of sunshine in my life, I don’t think you need my clouds in yours. You brought so much light to my life in a time when I really needed it. You probably won’t ever know the real effects you had on my life. And maybe on every life you have ever touched. You left a mark on me, though I fear that I have never left a mark on anyone, not even you. That’s ok though, that’s alright.

When our paths are meant to meet again, we will. Who knows, maybe this time I will shine my light on you…

Till then,

Just me, girl in the clouds.

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