Dear J,

I don’t know why I’m writing you again. I just have this need to tell you things. Things that are so uninteresting to some people. I don’t know why I think you’ll find them interesting. Maybe it was your kind demeanor. The way you always seemed to be really interested in things people had to say.

Really, J, I need to get you out of my head. I need to stop thinking about you whenever I have down time. I need to stop wondering if you’ve seen my message or if you even remember. I’m plagued with this sick uncontrollable obsession and I’m tired of it. I don’t want to think about you. I don’t. I don’t want to look at my phone and wonder when I’ll see your name pop up. I don’t want to wake up in the middle of night because I’m having realistic dreams about you. Not in the naughty way either, just FYI. Thinking of you literally makes me sick to my stomach with worry about what’s going to happen next. And I just can’t do that anymore.

I want to quit you. I do. But I just don’t know how to erase you from my mind, my memories. I wish I could just think about how we used to be and just leave it at that. I wish my mind, my heart, even my soul, would just let you go. Why can’t I just let you go?? Is it because I never got closure? Did I really need it? No. What was there to sum up? Maybe afterwards, maybe I needed closure for what happened afterwards. Honestly, with my self-esteem, that’s probably what hurt the most…

You kept going on being the light for everyone and I went on to be their voice of reason. Little did I know that I couldn’t be MY voice of reason when it comes to you. I don’t know what goes through your mind, I would love to get a glimpse inside. Often times we do things for people that we can’t do for ourselves. I really hope that’s not the case for you. I really hope that you don’t beat yourself up about how something went down years ago, like I over think them. Anyways, I think I’m rambling on and getting way off topic.

Still hoping that you’ll forever be the ray of sunshine I remember…

Just me, the over thinker.

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