Dear J,

Do you ever feel like you may have taken a wrong turn somewhere? Like your life could be completely different right now if you had said “yes” instead of “no” or went left instead of right? Do you ever feel like your parents may have cheated you out of a whole nother life if they would have just stayed in the same house or moved to another town? I’m not talking about you were down in the dumps and life was ugly and could end at any moment. I mean, you’re life right now is good, by all means. But the life you could have had could have been good too, better even.

Do you ever wonder what it would feel like to not have the responsibilities you currently have? Ever feel like if you had waited to have kids that you would appreciate them more, or maybe if you had them when you were able to then you wouldn’t feel a void? Or maybe if you had stayed with that boy from grade school or the girl from high school, maybe you’d be happier with how your life could have turned out? All these maybes, shoulds, coulds…We will never know.

We will never know if falling asleep in another man’s arms is the feeling you’ve been longing for. Or looking into another woman’s eyes is just what you needed in your moment of chaos. We will never know what would have happened if we said “yes” or went left or stayed. We will never know. Some of us continue to chase after these things blindly as if once we find them everything in our worlds will be okay, but they won’t be. Even if we manage to achieve the unknown, it will never be what it could have been or what we think it’s suppose to be.

The world, our experiences in it, change us and the people around us. We go through phases, events with the people around us and because of who they are, they help shape us through those times. It can either be good or bad but the point is that we wouldn’t be us without them. The me from 2 years ago is different from the me now. I have different people in my life now and if I went through all my hard times with the people here now, things would be different. Leaving someone and finding them again in life, you can’t expect them to be the same person you left behind when you are not the same person they left either.

To think that someone hasn’t changed is foolish. Even core beliefs change, just like everything else in this world. We all, at some point, mature and our views on the world, even the smallest things, change. Someone could be hilarious in the 5th grade and still be funny in their 20’s but the reasons for it may change. Another could be talented in high school and be driven for a certain reason but that reason may change in their 30’s. Some can be annoying as all hell but a few years later be your best friend. Time doesn’t stop for anyone. Why should we? The fact of the matter is that we can’t not change.

Even love itself changes. Someone you once loved can become on a complete stranger to you. Or the love you have for someone can transform from love to lust or unwavering affection. Sometimes you go from being IN love with someone to just having love for them. I’ve heard of married couples falling out of love with each other but still deeply care for one another because of the kids that may be involved. She goes from being your rock, the center of your world to only being the mother of your children, their caretaker. You see her in a new different light because of the love that is still there for her. You just aren’t IN love with her anymore. He goes from being your protector, man of your dreams to the protector of your children, a solid rock to lean on if need be. You have love for that person for whom they have become and what they do. But you hold no romantic feelings for them anymore. Time can change everything.

So, for me to even fathom the idea that someone I knew 15 years ago even still remembers me, is insane. I’m not a memorable person by any means. I would love to think so, but maybe, with time, that to will change.

The Ever Adapting,

Me.

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