It’s been almost a year since you have been gone. I have tried my best to move on with my life but let’s face it, you’re looking down on me and seeing just how much control I’ve lost. My mind is constantly running, thinking about things and how they could be, should be, different.
We had plans, we were going to build a life together. I wanted all of that. I was hesitant at first but I wanted it all, I wanted you. It took me some time to wrap my head around what you were asking of me that night in the car when we were sitting in the parking lot of the apartments in Phoenix, being painfully honest with each other. I didn’t know for sure if it was you talking or the drugs. I wanted to know for sure it was you, not the drugs, and so I waited. But you kept diving deeper and deeper into the pills and that scared me.
I couldn’t let that poison into my kids lives. I was already tearing their world apart by leaving their father. I wanted better for them than what they had become accustomed to with their dad. I wanted you to be better because I knew you could. But I also knew you were sad, depressed. Things weren’t going well for you. Things had been hitting the fan and hitting it hard. You were changing it though. You came back out to me, to a place I thought you might be able to be safe. I just wanted to keep you in my arms, close to my chest, safe. But you couldn’t put the drugs down, and in the end, they took you.
For days after your death, all I could hear was your voice coming from the corner of my room. The room where we laid in bed together for the last time. I still can’t believe that was the last time… I felt you linger there, yelling, “I wanna go home mama, I just wanna go home!” Baby, I wanted you home so badly. I wanted to yell and scream and break things, go back in time and change things. November 14, 2020 was the worst day of my life. I lost the love of my life, my soul was broken, torn to pieces, scattered across the universe never to be found again.
You were my soulmate, my lucky charm, the one that I wanted. You chose me. You saw me and chose me and all those times we tried, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t feel worthy to have your love. Now I feel like your love was all a dream. Is this a dream? Will I wake up from the nightmare? I still don’t want to believe you’re gone. I still don’t want to believe that you won’t walk through the door again or that I won’t ever hear your voice again. I don’t want to believe any of it, but the truth stares me in the face every day. I still have your text messages, screenshots of conversations, pictures. I’ll never let go of these things for they are all I have of you now.
I want to be in your arms. I want to feel the strength of your arms around me, the heaviness of your hands on my hips. I want to feel your breath on the back of my neck. I want to go back to that night we laid in my bed, make it last a little longer, do things differently. If I had known that watching you walk from my apartment would be the last time I saw you, I wouldn’t have let you leave. I didn’t want you to leave…
Is this thing working?? 